When at work I'm aware that I'm not doing anything. I mingle with coworkers and carryout management concerns, but still feel that nothing is being accomplished. I cash my check and complete my responsibilities, but still, I'm doing nothing. The people are pleasant, the facilities decent, yet I'm not doing anything. Even the conversations corrupt. Most are so empty that they leave me angry. I watch people work and wonder, "Why are we here?"
I'm grateful for the work but still don't believe that I am doing anything. The moment I exit my car and enter the building I'm immediately reminded of my idleness. By nine o'clock I'm clueless. Then I become distant and dysfunctional, walking in circles and talking out of sequence. My thoughts become antagonistic to the environment. My only remedy for this malady is solitude, without which I would explode. During these times, I go inside myself for sustenance. Afterwards I emerge refreshed, revived and committed to leaving. (9/6/00)
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